US – Supreme Court – What Didn’t Happen (Or, A Conspiracy Theory A Little Too Difficult To Imagine) – 27 June 2013

Chief Justice John Roberts: Okay, we need to throw every one off the scent here. They’re starting to figure out our plan for world domination. Let’s strike down the Defense of Marriage Act so people think we have the capacity to do something to promote their civil rights. Never mind that this is a huge change and hands a huge victory to the liberals, and that they will be able to use this victory to demonstrate that gays and lesbians are human beings and not pariahs or outcasts, as they have been traditionally treated by our social conservative allies, who will be outraged by our decision. Justice Kennedy, I want you to change your vote and side with the liberals on this one.

Justice Anthony Kennedy: Golly, gee whiz, do I have to? I wanna vote with the rest of us God-fearing conservatives on the court…I mean, I hate the gays like everyone else…

Chief Justice John Roberts: No, we have to keep pretenses up. Democracy and freedom are finished in America, but we can’t let the plebs know that. Remember when I allowed Obamacare to survive? Same deal. Never mind that this is a huge change and hands a huge victory to the liberals, and they will be able to use that victory to demonstrate that socialised medicine reduces health care costs and lowers premiums for millions of Americans, and never mind that our economic conservative allies were outraged. The important thing is that in the meantime they don’t notice us carrying out our stealth plot to strangle the Constitution.

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